Wrote something for school about sexual faithfulness in the ministry. It is far from complete or perfect, but it is something we should all think about…

The specific issue I will focus on concerns ways in which the church and a pastor can protect himself and his marriage (if married) from emotional and sexual unfaithfulness. My reason is fairly simple: I have been a Christian for over 20 years and in the ministry for over 10 years—I have seen people leave the ministry because of this sin more than I ever could have imagined. I suppose you could call this ideas that have personally brewed in my heart for a while that I am putting in words. I will use a pattern I personally follow when organizing material (what Getting Things Done followers call “Areas” of one’s life): Religious (with several subheadings) Personal, Work, and Technology). There will also be several “In general…” because sometimes strict rules have to be broken out of compassion, necessity, emergencies, etc. that come up in the ministry.

Religious

Bible

Biblically speaking, there are two Scriptures that should guide a minister when it comes to sexual faithfulness: First, don’t look at what you shouldn’t look at.

Matthew 5:28 But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

The verse does not say that adultery always results from a look. Many looks are accidental or the result of living in a society that does not value modesty (or a society with a definition of modesty that is constantly reducing the clothing material). What Jesus is speaking against here is a premeditated look. Some translations try to explain the infinitive ἐπιθυμῆσαι by adding “with lustful intent.” The lust of Matthew 5:28 is not a consequence of the look, but it is the purpose of the look. Therefore, the minister should always guard their eyes so that accidental consequences do not normalize into purposeful intents.

Because sexual sin is not just a physical act but begins (like all sins) on the inside: Second, don’t think about what you shouldn’t think about.

Job 31:1 I have made a covenant with my eyes and shall not take notice of a virgin.

Knowing that all the physical barriers and technological blocks in the world may stop adultery but not lust, we must realize that we are to protect our hearts as much as our eyes. As ministers who will often be in situations where we are surrounded by people from all walks of life, we cannot control who God puts in our lives to minister to. Therefore, faithfulness of the heart must be a prior decision, a prior conviction, and something that we think about. When tempted, we are to remember the previous spiritual thoughts and predetermined convictions rather than allow our minds to wander where they shouldn’t.

Theology

Theologically speaking, the doctrine of creation should inform how we respond with others of the opposite gender. To speak plainly: it is not a beautiful woman’s fault that she was naturally born with great beauty—God made her that way! So, theologically we must remember that one’s beauty is not a result of Satan but is a gift of God. And, God’s gifts are to be given thanks for. If a beautiful person is not our spouse, how then can we respond with thanks? We can thank God that he has given to so-and-so an attractive spouse, ask God to protect their marriage, and ask God to help them enjoy the physical blessings of marriage. And since it is difficult to bless and curse out of the same mouth at the same time, it is likewise difficult to have inappropriate thoughts about someone while we are at the same time asking God to bless their home, marriage, and family.

Ethics

Exodus 20:14, 17⠀You shall not commit adultery. You shall not desire the wife of your neighbor…

Ethically, Commandments 7 and 10 should be one of our foundations. As others have shown, these are not rules to be in a relationship with God, but they are what he has given to a redeemed people that he already has a relationship with. These commandments show us God’s nature and what pleases him.

Showing that holiness is both outward and inward, seen adultery is spoken of in Commandment 7 and unseen lust is part of Commandment 10. In a day of all sorts of sexual ethics, these are to be our foundation.

Devotion

Devotionally, we are to spend time with Jesus in the gospels. As we read the gospels, we will see that Jesus spent time with women, ministered to women, faced the same temptations like as we have, yet he is without sin. How so? He spent time with his Father. As we minister, we are going to go through times when we are in constant motion spending time with people. However, this should not take away from our time with our Father. There will be seasons where we are called upon to be here and there. But, let us remember that we are to prioritize those times, alone with God, so that the devotion can fuel the minister. Otherwise, we may be one of the statistics that say virtually all ministers who fall into sexual sin first stopped having times of private devotion.

Ministry

Ministerially speaking, God has not called us to minister only to one gender. The body of Christ includes both men and women, and if we will be physicians of the soul we cannot only minister to 50% of those souls. Someone in our care should not receive lackluster care because we are afraid their gender might harm us. The ministry of the Apostle Paul shows that women are going to be part of one’s ministry: they should be ministered to by us, and they should also be part of the ones doing the ministry. Priscilla in Acts 18 and Phoebe in Romans 16, I believe, were precious to Paul. While we do not know what went through Paul’s mind (though Romans 7 gives us a hint of the mental and spiritual battle), we can see that Paul ministered to and with women as he ministered unto Christ.

Personal

Personally, we must come to a proper understanding of ourselves, our weaknesses, and a healthy understanding of the doctrines of creation, sin, and sanctification. And because no two people are going to see every tiny part of biblical doctrine alike, this means that there will be different opinions of what the above thoughts look like in real life. One person may follow the Billy Graham rule (which I think has great wisdom), one person may have a more lenient perspective based on culture or context, all of us will find out there are times when the rules have exceptions. Furthermore, the above thoughts will help set up boundaries so that exceptions stay exceptions and not the norm. For example, one person may not be a “hugger” and has decided that it is best to not make a habit of physical greetings. But, if someone has just received tragic news and is grief-stricken, the pastoral response at that moment is not to be standoffish but to give a compassionate hug, a caring arm on the shoulder, and hold their hand and pray for Jesus to help them.

Work

For those in (forgive the phrase) full-time ministry, our calling and our work (and our lives) are one unclear blend of where boundaries start and stop. We are always on call, we are always on the job, and we are always being watched. Still, there are professional/work guidelines we should have in our churches to protect us. In no order of importance…

1. The church should have policies in place so that counseling sessions are based on the person needing help rather than who will be helping. If Jane Doe calls the church asking for someone to talk with her, there should be several people able to help her. This protects her from having an expectation that Minister John Doe will always be the person helping her. If after a predetermined number of sessions ongoing care is needed, the person should be referred to someone else in the church with different gifts or someone outside the church with more expertise. Counseling sessions should remain professional and not breeding grounds for one person to develop an affection for someone who “just cares so much when I talk to them.”
2. The church should value women in the ministry. While this may look different among different denominations, no church should have any issue with gifted women being able to counsel, teach, and minister to other women in one-on-one contexts. Some churches will have female deacons, some will have female deaconesses, and some will have females who serve without any title. In all of these church viewpoints, women should have the opportunity to help other women. And to be honest, a male pastor can only understand a female’s counseling and ministering needs so far.
3. Specifically, a church should have an educated discussion about 1 Timothy 3:11 to decide what will be the main responsibilities of the pastor(s), the main responsibilities of the deacons, and who are the Γυναῖκας and why do they have qualifications while a pastor’s wife does not? Whatever conviction the church comes to on this passage can have a great impact on the health of the church, including protecting the leaders and members from sexual unfaithfulness.
4. The church should have expectations regarding the use of technology in the church. This will be detailed below.
5. The church should have guidelines in place for how male and female staff are to interact in matters such as denominational meetings and similar appointments that require traveling, whether local or distant. Concerning church finances and reimbursements, if the church makes it easy for a minister’s spouse to accompany them, could this help protect the church staff while also ensuring that lonely travel is the exception and not the norm? When church leaders (whether that be elders or deacons or someone else) make decisions about expenditures, is the tone “how much can we save” or “how much can we help our pastor and his spouse spend as much time together as possible when necessary trips arise?”

What will have the greater cost: providing for the staff and their spouses to be together, or dealing with the aftermath of a minister who spent too many years alone and caved to sin and unfaithfulness?

Technology

God sees all. And, technology gives us a tiny glimpse of what it means to be omniscient and omnipresent. Cameras are everywhere. Microphones are everywhere. Digital breadcrumbs are everywhere. What is done in secret will be proclaimed from the rooftop…

The church leaders and the marriage partners should have expectations in place that allow for the protection of the privacy of the congregation while also holding the church leaders accountable. It may not be wise for a brand-new church member to be able to demand to read the text messages between the pastor and a suicidal congregant, but there is wisdom in having some kind of policy in place that is fair to all. This will require great wisdom, transparency, and likely legal expertise. If the spouse of a pastor asks where you have been today, there should not be hesitation in their answer. Nor should a meeting among pastors/elders seem to be a witch-hunt. The love in a marriage and the love among church staff should be such that there is genuine love and care for one another’s spiritual walk.

God’s word does not contain a chapter on the use of computers and mobile devices. So, there is freedom for different policies here. God’s word doesn’t say what DNS filter the church internet should use, the password policy of the email accounts, or the length of time for preserving web history. Again, the blur between work and home is not always clear with a minister, so the congregation should digitally interact with pastors with the exception that someone, either elders or spouse, will have access to social media and internet accounts.

Conclusion

All Christians, whether clergy or laity, are redeemed sinners awaiting a perfect resurrection. All Christians, I believe theologically, are presently living in a Romans 7 daily experience. All Christians have been sanctified, are being sanctified, and will be finally sanctified…

And all Christians have the potential to make some very sinful choices regardless of how long they have followed Jesus Christ. This does not mean a “fallen” minister can never be used again. Different denominations and churches will have different opinions about when/if and in what capacity a restored minister can serve. In the history of the church, God has used some very crooked sticks to draw some very straight lines. No one would have ever guessed that the denying Peter would very soon be the Pentecost-preaching Peter.

Still, churches and pastors should think through how it can best protect the church leaders and members in this area of life in which the devil is not ignorant of its power. Physical intimacy is a gift from God in the marriage life of a man and woman. But, how many times has Satan dangled a forbidden hook in front of a pastor swimming in the waters of fatigue, depression, debt, loneliness, and other afflictions until the once-resolved minister finally started nibbling on a bait he was sure he’d never be hooked by?

There’s a reason in 1 Timothy 5:2 when Paul told Timothy to minister to the old men, the young men, and the older ladies that he added a warning for Timothy to remember when he ministered to women his age. The ladies to whom we minister deserve nothing less than Holy Spirit-empowred ministry and compassion, and the spouses who minister with us deserve nothing less than Holy Spirit-empowered faithfulness and love. May we take heed to the same instrctuction Paul gave Timothy. And, may the Lord Jesus Christ care for the church he died for through the compassion of its leaders and members through prayer, the preached word, fellowship, accountability, restoration, forgiveness, wisdom, prudence, and godly love until the day of the resurrection when men and women will embrace one another in a reunion of perfected souls and bodies who will for eternity love one another with an unadulterated love as pure as God himself.